Twilight With Zombies
by EowynofRohan13
Summary: A parody of Twilight, where the Cullens are zombies instead of vampires.
1. Are You a Vampire?

**I do not own Twilight. Also, this story is a parody of Twilight. If you like Twilight, you don't have to read it. **

**Bella's POV:**

I sat back in the seat of Edward's car, staring at his gorgeous face. He looked like he was made of wax: pale, cold, and too perfect to be human.

"Someone at school told me you were a vampire," I said, trying to get him to confess that he was, in fact, a vampire. I already knew he was a vampire, because I'm smart. But if confessed to me that he was a vampire, that would mean that he trusted me. And if he trusted me, that would mean that he liked me. And if he liked me…

"Yeah, well, I've been 17 for a while now," Edward's melodious voice broke into my beautiful, sparkly daydream.

"Are you… a vampire?"

"No, but you're close."

"Are you a vampire?"

"No."

"Are you a vampire, then?"

"NO. I'll give you a hint, Bella, it begins with a 'Z'."

"You're a zampire?"

"No!"

"A zzzzzz-vampire?"

"No!" Edward looked angry. He couldn't be angry at me, though. I'm too pretty for anyone to be angry at. Maybe he was angry at himself because he didn't want to be a vampire. "I'm a zombie, Bella." I stared at him.

"Of course you are," I said, deciding not to believe him. I'm very smart, and I could tell he was just lying because he didn't want to be a vampire. "You're a very good-looking zombie." I batted my eyelashes at him.

"Carlisle was a taxidermist before he was bitten. He's figured out how to keep us looking… human," Edward answered, in a low, melodic voice.

"HA! You said bitten! I knew you were a vampire!" I exclaimed joyfully.

"Look Bella, you've got to listen to me. I'm a ZOMBIE. I don't want to bite you and make you another zombie. Zombies create other zombies by accident, mostly, if they don't get to finish a meal. VAMPIRES try to make other vampires, and vampires are leeches who think they're sexy. I want to EAT you. You smell…. You smell very, very good," he said, wistfully. A thin line of drool hung from his mouth. It sparked like dew on rose petals.

I fluffed my gorgeous, flowing dark brown hair a little. Edward smiled hugely, and took his hands off the steering wheel to reach for my hair. I leaned towards him a little. All of a sudden he jerked his hands back to the wheel, and stared straight out at the road. I sighed. Edward was so stupid. Why couldn't he see that I liked him?

"You are so, so stupid, Bella," he muttered. "I just told you that I want to eat you, and you're still flirting with me?"

"You're hot," I said.

Edward's eyes lit up. "Bella, have you ever wondered why my siblings and I go to school with regular humans, even though we're dead?"

"Because destiny ordained that we should meet?" I murmured.

"We keep going to school because it keeps us human. The smarter someone is, the worse their brain tastes. People learn things in schools, even if they're only learning how to sleep in class and not get caught. So if we're in a place where people are learning things, their brains are less appetizing, and we're less tempted to attack them." I nodded, even though I didn't understand a word Edward had just said. "But you, Bella…" Edward trailed off again. "You are the most monumentally stupid person I've ever met. It's taking every ounce of humanity left in me not to eat your brain right now. You need to get smarter, fast, or one of us is going to lose control and have you for dessert."

"So, you're trying to warn me of impending danger?" I fluttered my eyelashes again. Edward pulled into my driveway and stopped the car.

"This isn't a warning, Bella. This is a promise."


	2. Why Me?

I do not own Twilight.

Edward's POV:

I shoved open the door and staggered into my house. Everyone looked up abruptly, and then tried to pretend that they hadn't, in fact, been sitting around by the door for three hours, waiting for me to return. I slumped down into an armchair, completely exhausted.

"Do you want some formaldehyde, Edward?" Esme asked.

"Sure," I said.

"I take it it didn't go well?" Emmett asked. "Stop it, that hurts!" The last bit was directed at Carlisle, who was sewing up a cut on Emmett's arm.

Rosalie looked up from her magazine long enough to mutter, "Emmett, you no longer have nerve endings. It CAN'T hurt."

"So, how did it go?" Jasper asked, trying to sound conversational.

"She didn't ask me to kiss her good-night. I guess that counts as progress," I said, rolling my eyes. Everyone else in the room winced.

"It's progress, yes, but not much. The longer she stays here, the more of a danger she is to us. We need to do something about her," Carlisle said.

"We already are. In case you didn't notice, I just spent the past four hours trying to convince her to drop the whole vampire thing," I said.

"Yes, but that may not be enough. She's a danger to us all. Even if we don't succumb to temptation and eat her…"

"She's going to draw other zombies here," Alice finished for Carlisle. 'If only she weren't so incredibly stupid…"

"Yes, I get it I need to put up with her to save our skins," I sighed. "One question: why is it _me_ who's stuck with this job?"

Emmett grinned wickedly. "Because, Edward, she liiiiiiiiikes yooooooooou!"

"Edward and Bella, sittin' in a tree…"

"Jasper, SHUT UP!"


	3. Interrogating Zombies

I do not own Twilight.

Jacob's POV:

I ran my fingers through my hair and walked nervously over to Bella. "Hey, Bella, I was wondering, do you want to go to a movie with me tonight, or something?" I asked.

"I would love to, Jacob…"

"Yes! I mean, good. That's great. I can't wait. So, I'll pick you up around…"

"Jacob, I'm sorry, but my heart belongs to another man. Edward. He is beautiful, and perfect, and a vampire, and I would love to go to the movies with you, but my heart, soul, and body are bound to him. Sorry."

I probably should have been upset. The girl of my dreams had just rejected me, and then told me how perfect her boyfriend was. But frankly, I had stopped paying attention after she said 'vampire'.

I found Edward in the parking lot after school. "Look, Edward, I was talking to Bella…"

"And she told you I was a vampire." Edward sighed. "I'm not. She just likes to believe I am."

I wrinkled my nose. "Then why do you smell so weird?"

"I smell weird?"

"Yeah. You do. You smell like dead things. And embalming fluid."

"I can explain…."

"Yes, I know your dad is a taxidermist, but you smell too badly of decaying things for that to be the whole explanation. Actually, you'd have to be bathing in formaldehyde regularly to stink as badly as you do."

"I get the sense that you're not going to leave me alone until I explain things," Edward said. He sighed. "I do not need any more problems right now." I'm pretty sure he didn't intend for me to hear the second bit. He pulled open the passenger door to his car. "Get in."

"Um, seriously? There's no way I'm just going to get in a car with a vampire."

"I'M NOT A VAMPIRE!" Everyone in the parking lot turned to stare at us. Edward looked embarrassed, but he didn't blush. His face remained the same waxy, pale color. If that wasn't a sign of vampirism, I didn't know what was. "I'm a zombie," he muttered. "Happy?"

"No, not really. Dating a zombie is probably just as bad as dating a vampire. When do you plan to kill Bella and eat her, exactly?"

"SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!" Edward yelled. "She just thinks she's my girlfriend."

"So, now I know that Bella thinks you're a vampire, and she thinks you're her boyfriend, but this is untrue. Real helpful." I glanced around the parking lot. "Look, we're the only ones here. No one can overhear us. Just tell me who/what you are, and I'll leave you alone. If you don't, I'm going to call Charlie Swan and tell him you plan on killing his daughter."

Edward slumped. "I'm a zombie. Carlisle was a taxidermist who was transformed back in the fifteen or sixteenth century. Over the years he transformed and embalmed the rest of us."

"Ah. And Bella?"

"She seems to have fallen in love with me, which is annoying. She smells so good. Every molecule of my body yearns to devour her, but I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because that would be gross, and also evil. I mean, it's so much like cannibalism. Ew!"

"Go on," I said. Listening to Edward complain about being a zombie for the next four hours would be annoying, but it had given me an idea.

Next chapter: I parody the Meadow Scene! I hope that will make up for this chapter, which was both weirder and less funny than I would have liked.

Also, thankyouthankyouthankyou to all my reviewers! I've been enjoying jumping around and singing "People like my story, people like my story!"


	4. Zombies Don't Sparkle

**I still don't own Twilight**

**Bella's POV:**

Edward picked me up early Saturday morning, and we went for a hike. I was positive it was the romantic sort of hike, even though he'd barely said four words to me the entire time we'd been together.

After what felt like hours of hiking, we reached a meadow. It was beautiful, sunny, and full of flowers. I gasped. "Oh, Edward! This is beautiful! Is this what you wanted to show me?" I babbled.

"No," he said. He extracted his hand, which I had been holding in a romantic fashion, from mine, and stepped out into the clearing. I gasped. I had never seen him in the sunlight before, and what I saw left me in shock.

His skin was pale, almost translucent, and it sagged in places. His hair was the exact color of bronze, but dull, and lank. His eyes were cloudy, like a whitish mist separated him from the rest of the world. He opened his mouth, and I could tell that there was something strange about his teeth. I just couldn't place it. Were they sharper than normal human teeth?

Despite his flaws, Edward was still the handsomest being I had ever laid eyes on.

"Ooooh, Edward," I murmured, drawing out the sound. "Is _this_ what you wanted to show me?"

"No, Bella," he said, sounding resigned. "This is." Then, he took off his shirt. What I felt in that moment was pure, unadulterated euphoria.

He had holes in his body, like hunks of his flesh were missing in places. My euphoria vanished as quickly as it came, replaced with a deeper, surer understanding. _ So this is why he holds me at arm's length._ I thought.

"Oh, Edward," I murmured peacefully, drawing closer to him, "I understand."

"You do?" he sounded hopeful.

"Yes, I do." I kissed him.

For a second, my world was perfect. Then Edward yanked away from me.

"WHAT THE HECK!?" he yelled, "YOU SAID YOU UNDERSTOOD!"

"But Edward," I said calmly, "I do understand. Those-" I pointed at the holes in his chest and arms, "-are injuries you got while fighting evil, more powerful vampires. You feel ashamed of them, because vampires are supposed to be perfect. But don't worry," I drew still closer to him, ready for another kiss, "I think those are the marks of a brave warrior. I think you're the most perfect man I will ever meet. I will always love you, because you are a brave, handsome vampire."

Edward backed away from me. "No, Bella, you don't understand," he said, slowly, carefully. "These are the places where my skin rotted away before Carlisle could embalm me. I had to cut away parts of my own skin. Bella, I'm not a vampire. I'm a zombie. And I don't love you."

"You- you what?" I stepped away in shock.

"I don't love you."

I blinked back tears. "Oh, Edward, you can't mean that!"

"No, Bella, I do mean that. I don't love you. At all. If we weren't lab partners in biology class, I wouldn't even talk to you. I just think you're another pretty high school girl with makeup for brains who thinks everyone loves her."

"But- but- b-b-b-b-ut…" My tears were now flowing from my eyes like two sparking mountain streams.

"Frankly, my dear Bella, I don't give a dictionary."

I turned and fled.

_Bella's loud sobs could be heard in eastern Montana. But Edward's girlish scream of delight could be heard in Maine._

**Okay, the purple prose in this chapter was physically hard to write. I'm really glad that's over with. I think there's going to be two more chapters in this, three if I can stand to write another chapter from Bella's POV ( :oP ). **

**In case you were wondering the exact definition for Purple Prose can be found on TV Tropes.**


	5. We Laugh at Bella's Pain

I still don't own Twilight

Edward's POV:

"Edward, could you go get the mail?" Esme yelled at me from the kitchen.

"We get mail?" I asked.

"Apparently. The mailman just pulled out of our driveway."

"Can you get Jasper to do it? _The Walking Dead_ is on."

"Jasper's in his room. You're the one closest to the front door."

"Why can't Alice get it?"

"_Edward._"

"Okay, I'll go see what it is," I sighed, and shambled to the front door. We didn't have a mailbox, so it seemed the mailman had decided to put our mail on the front steps. I grabbed the letters and closed the door.

The entire family had congregated in the family room. "Is the letter from your girlfriend, Edward?" Jasper asked, making kissing noises.

"No. It's from the Forks Movie Studios. The other one's from Bella."

"What's it say?" Alice asked. I opened the letter from Forks Movie Studios.

"Apparently, Jacob Black made a movie based on a story I told him in the school parking lot the other day," I said as I scanned the letter. "It's about the trials a young zombie faces when he is transformed against his will and forced to eat human flesh."

"You told the werewolf that we're zombies?" Carlisle asked. He sounded disgusted.

"He'd threatened to go to the police," I said. Carlisle started to say something else, but I continued reading. "We're entitled to a percentage of the royalty money, as well as free tickets to the movie."

"Sweet," Rosalie said.

"And apparently, Jacob was wondering if we wanted to go vampire hunting with him and the other werewolves," I finished. Emmett stood up and walked out of the room.

"What's the other letter say?" Alice asked. I grimaced and opened it.

"It says… It says that Bella's moving back to Arizona!"

"What?"

"Really?"

"Yes, really." I reread the letter a few times, making sure I'd understood it properly. "It says she's sorry she ever misunderstood my feelings for her- she misspelled 'misunderstood', as well as 'remainder' 'Arizona' 'I' and, actually, just about every word in here is misspelled- and that she's going to go back to Arizona and live out the remainder of her life heartbroken and alone! Isn't that great?!"

"Yes! Finally!" Jasper said.

"I don't know, guys," Alice said, in a serious, distant tone. "What if moving back to Arizona puts her at risk of coming in contact with an evil zombie who was only thrown into the story to heighten the drama and show Edward's everlasting love for Bella?"

Emmett chose that moment to come back into the room with a sword. "I called Jacob. He wants to meet us in half an hour." He noticed us all standing there staring. "What? What'd I do?"

"Nothing. Let's go kill some vampires."

"Yeah."

"Sure."

"Sounds fun."


	6. Bella Gets Eaten

**Nope, I still don't own Twilight.**

**James' POV:**

I watched the girl from the shadows of the ballet studio.

She was so, so tantalizingly stupid.

I mean, she couldn't tell the difference between a recording of her mom and her real mom.

Really.

How dumb can you get?

I stepped toward the girl, drool dripping from my mouth.

She looked up.

She asked me if I was the janitor, and had I by any chance, seen a large hostile zom-bie that was keeping her mother prisoner?

I stared at her.

My skin was rotting off, and I was missing an arm, along with most of my teeth.

You'd think it would be obvious.

I inhaled deeply, practically tasting her idiocy at the back of my throat

and pounced.

Bella Swan was the best meal I ever ate.

*Burp*


End file.
